The Truth About Loss

I had this whole post explaining how the demise of my second marriage took place, but then while writing it, I realized loss is more complicated than I was giving it credit for. See, here in the South, particularly, the end of a relationship can most often be traced back to the hands of a woman. Whether it’s the woman central to the relationship or one on the sidelines, women usually are the chief reason a relationship ends. Now, before all y’all come at me with your good frying skillets, hear me out. In many heterosexual relationships, it’s usually the woman who comes to the realization things aren’t working out as they should before the man. As I sit here, years removed from my own situation, I look back with regret that I didn’t give myself more credit for being so intuitive.

Our relationship had been shaky for a while. Christmas was coming up, so I gifted a couples trip to him, for us – just us – to reconnect a bit, and the first thing out of his mouth was negative. That was when I knew – we had been together the better part of 10 years, and there was nothing I could ever do that would be good enough to him. Nothing. It wasn’t the first time he’d said something negative when I’d done something for him or given him a gift. However, I worked part-time so our kids didn’t go to daycare, and it was that part-time job that paid for the trip; it took me many months and extra hours to come up with the money only for a negative phrase to be uttered at the sight of the plane tickets with our names on them. It was the final crushing blow for me. I knew I’d never look at him the same. I should have slapped me in the face physically; it would have been less painful. The blinding, faith strong love I had for him started changing then and there. We went on the trip, of course, but for me, there was a cloud hanging over us. I even thought to myself, “we probably won’t last long after this.”

The way that negative comment broke me should have been my reason to say enough is enough. I should have been ok with that being the reason I was saying this is a loss. I spent 10 years being on the receiving end of negative comment after negative comment – something I never deserved. I don’t think we, as a society, and particularly here in the South, give people, mainly women, enough credit for standing firm in their own feelings when they say “this is over, we are done”. I think there is still a stigma over women and divorce period, but this “never say die” attitude toward marriage is a prevalent scenario for many relationships that have run their courses. Southern women are taught as young ladies to not “rock the boat” or “go against the grain”, as in don’t be the ones to cause all the change, especially if it’s negative. Relationship loss isn’t supposed to be at the hands of a Southern woman’s actions. Yet, when you learn about a break-up down here, most of the time you’ll learn it’s because of a woman. In my situation, it was a matter of timing (and, well, let’s face it, money). If I’d had the guts when I finally gelt like I had enough, I’d have lost my marriage a couple of years earlier than I actually did, and it would have been initiated by me. Instead, the demise of my marriage happened in a way no marriage should end – infidelity.

For those of you who do not believe in emotional affairs, that’s your choice, but leave those who do believe in them alone. If you’re not sure what an emotional affair is, my loose interpretation is where one party to a relationship gives all their time, attention, and/or affection to another party who is not their significant other. That’s what was happening in my marriage, behind my back. Every single day, for the better part of three months, it was 80-90 text messages and 90 to 120 minute phone calls to another woman he claims was “just a friend”. I understand needing friends. I have several close ones myself. However…I don’t talk to these friends about intimate interactions we could/would have together, we didn’t discuss fantasies we’d like to live out together. Those are things you do with a romantic partner, and if you’re married, those are the things you are supposed to talk to your spouse about – not another person.

When I discovered the emotional affair, I felt sucker punched. The physical feeling would stay in the pit of my stomach for at least 4 months. But, it was when I asked who she was and he confessed who – there’s a history of her in our past – I knew everything was truly over between us. He’s since told me my lack of fighting for the marriage was telling. My response – you already started the relationship with her, and she’s your former fiance who you always loved, and you said yourself the love between us was lost, so what exactly was I supposed to be fighting for? The loss was already there, but I was supposed to keep holding on to something he himself already let go of – it baffled me. He didn’t want to be married to me anymore, but I wasn’t allowed to not want the same. See what I mean by society’s standards for Southern women in relationships?

For my situation, it really doesn’t matter who ended it – it was going to end no matter what. That’s because whatever that relationship was (I still struggle with it, the parameters and definitions) always a loss. He admitted he had kept in contact with her our whole relationship. He was just waiting for her to say she’d take him back again. I’ve only served the purpose of being a stand-in. A filler. Someone to pass time with and lie to. I never was a person with emotions, dreams, and cares. I was just this thing he could use until he could be with her, again.

The truth about loss is it’s not as easy as it seems. Someone is usually hurt in ways that cannot be understood. Someone takes longer than the others to process and heal. Someone will always carry the guilt of not standing up sooner and taking care of the business that should have been handled. The hope is that some day the loss will feel less heavy. The loss won’t even feel like a loss (it already feels that way in many aspects). But, like many life events, the hope is the loss teaches a lesson that leaves us less bitter, and more kind.